Acknowledgements

First and foremost, I'd like to extend my deepest, most rancid gratitude to bad breath itself—the eternal muse of this unholy tome. Without the tireless, odoriferous contributions of humanity’s collective mouth rot, none of this would have been possible. You are the unsung hero, the invisible monster that haunts every exhale and destroys relationships faster than lies and infidelity combined. Thank you for never giving up on being absolutely revolting.

Special thanks to ancient cavemen, who pioneered the art of breath as a weapon and established a legacy of stink that would ripple through history like a gaseous curse. To the snake oil salesmen of the 19th century, for demonstrating that capitalism can, indeed, make a profit from anything—even oral disaster. And to the modern dental industry, for perpetuating the illusion that mint and fluoride can save our souls from rotting out of our faces.

To my dentist, Dr. Sinclair, who assures me that I’m “making progress” despite the undeniable evidence to the contrary. Your unwavering dedication to battling my oral apocalypse is truly commendable, if futile.

A shoutout to Breath Death—not just for being an explosive mint revolution, but for reminding the world that sometimes you need to nuke the stink from orbit. Keep fighting the good fight, one peppermint warhead at a time.

Thank you to modern technology for giving us apps to track our stink in real time, robotic breath enforcers that shame us in public, and gadgets that lie to us just as much as we lie to ourselves. Your efforts to make humanity smell less like hot garbage are commendable, if ultimately doomed.

And finally, to every human being on this rancid planet—thank you for your foul dedication to keeping oral funk alive and well. Without you, this book would have been nothing but a pipe dream. Keep breathing out your signature scent, and remember: No amount of mint can change what you truly are—a walking compost heap with an overinflated sense of freshness.

With love and foul exhalations, Mortimer Graves